Whatever a woman decides it is not easy

“‘We must not judge,’ my mom continued. ‘That is the real lesson of the story. Whatever a woman decides, it is not easy.’”

I’m going a little out of order...okay a lot out of order on the books that have piled up for me to review, but this one is perfect for Mother’s Day. 

“What we Carry” by Maya Shanbhag Lang is a beautiful and gripping memoir about the power of pride and secrets. It follows Maya through her own journey into motherhood, the abandonment she felt from her mother as she became one. Flowing into carrying for her aging mother as her mother’s dementia progresses, moving her mother into her house and becoming a round the clock care giver, into finally having to place her mother in a care facility. 

This memoir is beautiful, it is heart wrenching, it is a far too common predicament. What do you do when your parent can no longer care for themselves? 

I personally think Maya was incredible for taking her mother into her home without a second thought, carving her life around ensuring her mother was cared for, tended to and comfortable. That is an incredible sacrifice. While Maya didn’t think of it as a sacrifice in the beginning, but something necessary and vital; that doesn’t change the fact that in this day and age it’s not something as common. It is a sacrifice, regardless of if the caregiver feels it that way or not. Should everyone have continued to thrust in her face how “sacrificial” she was being, how “selfless”, how they could never imagine doing something like that...no. I honestly don’t think any of us can really know, if we are close to our parents and they are in our lives, how we would handle that sort of situation, until we’re in it. 

I also found it interesting how often Maya’s mother mentioned that she “did not want to be a burden on her children”. It breaks my heart how often our aging family seems to feel this sentiment. That they are a burden. That though they have given over their best years to raising us, that they should not bother us when they in turn need help. I’m not saying you can’t secure a spot for your aging parent in a care facility when they can no longer live on their own. That is an incredibly personal situation and no one should ever judge anyone else’s decision in that sphere. What I’m saying is I’ve noticed that with my parents, with my grandmother’s, they are so careful to edge around what they want to not obligate us into anything. While I appreciate it, at the same time it breaks my heart to hear my grandmother say things like “Will you call me again? Only if you want to, I don’t want to guilt you into it”. 

In the novel Maya mentions that her grandmother had also suffered from dementia and had never been placed in a care facility, family and friends had shared the load of caring for and protecting her. I think this plays a big part in Maya’s decision to bring her mother home, perhaps there is some obligation there, but in her split second decision it is clear that to her there is no other way, at least not in that moment. I think this also played into her mother’s constant comment of “not wanting to be a burden on her children”, perhaps Maya’s mother felt that her own mother should have been under professional care, perhaps she saw the toll it took on people, perhaps she simply understood that her children had their own lives and did not want to disrupt them. Perhaps it was hard on her to have her children see her mind leaving her.

I loved the tiny snippets of true character that Maya began to piece together about her mom, from comments slipped through an aging psyche. All of the struggles Maya’s mother had gone through and kept to herself. Probably thinking she was protecting her child, possibly embarrassed to admit that she had needed help. 

I feel like our mother’s try to be so strong for us, they hide their struggles, so we don’t see them suffer. For me I don’t think this works and have adjusted my mind-frame to being as honest with my son as I can be. For Maya’s daughter I think seeing her grandmother struggle through dementia and being treated with compassion was extremely important. Diseases of the mind, dementia, depression, anxiety, are very often hereditary (passed down in families). In my opinion the only way to protect them is to be honest with them about it. Maya’s daughter watched first hand as her grandmother forgot simple things, struggled to function; it will make her a more compassionate person and when she gets older she will know signs to watch out for with her mother (Maya), signs to watch out for with herself to know when a doctor's visit is necessary, to take care of her mother, to take care of herself. 

When I finished this novel I had to text my Mom because at that moment all I wanted was to hug her. I am fortunate, my mom is healthy, she is well, she is safe and able to live independently with my Papa. I am very fortunate. I am also incredibly sad because I’ve seen them once in the past 6 months for only a little while. I am counting the days until my vaccine allows me immunity so that I can safely see both of them and between the three of us being immune protect my child. But, I am counting the days until I can hug my Mom and not let go. 

Mother’s are vital, and watching the mother’s I have around me, I am so proud because I feel that each generation, we take what our mother’s gave us and we build on it, we learn from their mistakes once they share them with us, we learn from our observations as children, we evolve and grow. But at the core of it all, we are mothers, we do everything we can, we should not judge the other mothers in the river because we do not know their story or what they choose.

I hope you all have a wonderful mother’s day, there are so many ways to be a mother, to have a mother, all are valid. To biological mothers, to mentors, to adoptive mothers, to the aunts that become stand ins, to anyone who becomes stand ins, bonus moms, safe places. You are valid, you are appreciated and you are loved more than you know.  To everyone who this day brings pain, you long to be a biological mother and cannot, your mother is no longer here or was not a good mother, was never around. I hope this day does not bring you to much pain.