Janica broke my heart

"You, Me, and the Colors of Life" by Noa C. Walker is a beautiful novel circling around 3 people. Stefen who life has thrust down to the bottom through a work related incident and has reached peak depression. His younger brother Thomas who appears steadfast and steady but who in reality shut down after their parents death years ago. Janica, a vibrant loving person who catches Stefen right when he is about to end it all, Janica barrels into their life and turns it upside down. Only to find that her own past struggles have caught up with her and she doesn't have as much time as she thinks. 

Ya'll I have not ugly cried so hard and so long through a book since I read "Black Beauty". I ended the last 20% of the book (I was e-reading so page numbers don't really correlate to percentage the same) with a headache and tears that would not stop. 

Janica is such a shining ray of light. As you read the novel you begin to see why she is so urgent in her happiness. Why she comes up with silly names for colors that make everyone smile and laugh. You learn the reason behind her visiting the children in the hospice. Janica is so full of life because she almost lost hers. It got me thinking, they say the funniest people or the people that seem the most vibrant, always making others laugh etc are the people who are in the most pain. They bring others joy because they know what it feels like to have none. As someone who struggles with depression, I understand this. You never want anyone to feel as low or hopeless as you felt. I think that's part of the reason why Janica is so vibrant, making the children at the hospice smile, she was one of those children, she knows how painful it is. I think the other part is probably, she's just grateful to be alive. To be granted more time than she thought she has and she doesn't want to take it for granted. 

Stefen was more of a side character to be honest, his main purpose was to bring Thomas and Janica together, so that Janica could wake Thomas up from his zombie-like existence and teach him how to be vibrant, how to truly care again before she was gone. A warning to anyone who struggles with depression, the circumstances under which Janica and Stefen meet can be triggering, so keep that in mind. This book does discuss suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts so if that is going to trigger you, I highly recommend not reading this book and finding a different one. I personally didn't like the part where he has his second almost attempt and stops because he thinks about Janica and how little time she has left and feels guilty that he's willing to throw his life away. That was more triggering to me than the attempts in the first place. You can't stay alive for someone else. You can't stay alive for guilt. Deciding you shouldn't be in pain because someone else has it worse masks the problem and doesn't do you any favors. I understand it was a reason to make him stop but, I don't know, I just didn't like that part. 

Overall this book was beautiful but it seriously broke my heart to watch someone so vibrant and full of life as Janica, lose her fight, have to move on from this world. I am broken...and now only reading fantasy until I recover...just kidding, but seriously it broke me a bit. 

If you or anyone you know is struggling with wanting to be unalive I've listed the national suicide helpline below, please know that you are not alone, most people won't admit to ever having those thoughts but many do. It's okay to reach out for help, it's okay to not be okay:

800-273-8255